


In the Brickwork

by newcanaan



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, alcohol tw, drugs tw, i just think they're neat :), student dani and jamie working nearby, you ever see a character and think that baby can fit so much projecting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 06:22:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28346823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newcanaan/pseuds/newcanaan
Summary: ‘The stranger was sat on the edge of the bed. She had been crying until her body was empty of any feeling and her head was in her hands.Jamie shivered from the cold.She ought to get back, she thought, rocking on her feet, it had been long enough already. The girl had not moved for a while though.’University au spanning over a year, in which Jamie gets more than she bargained for when she agrees to bartend a party one night; feat. exchange student Dani
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 22
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

\- Summer -

“Jamie?” She knew that she could not stay out there forever. “Jamie?”  
She drew another match against the brick wall and shook it out, an old habit from when she was younger that she could not remember ever stopping. That had been when she was only a kid, barely ten and with a chip on her shoulder.  
It made her huff with laughter, that back then she had thought it made her tough somehow, skulking around the streets between school so that she would not have to go home yet, not that the kids out there were much better. God only knew how many times she had gone to bed with busted knuckles, never healed right. That was then, though. She put the matchbox back in her pocket.

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

Rebecca leaned back on the bar. “All set?”

“Waitin’ on the tonic that was promised, that’s all.” Jamie took the liberty of pouring her a glass of white wine. “Why are a bunch of law students having a 20’s night anyway? They do sell gin in pubs now, y’know.”

Rebecca broke into a smile. “Any excuse for drinking and bad decisions. Besides, law was much more fun back then, you could get away with anything.”

“Can’t you now?” Jamie raised her eyebrows, but was saved from a history lesson by a pack of far too many boys for her liking.

“Delivery for Miss. Taylor,” one of them said. The crates hit the makeshift bar with a clatter. Jamie began to pack it all away to chill while the boys surrounded Rebecca. Needless to say, she much preferred the attention.  
When she was sure that she was prepared for the evening and had counted the stock twice over – drunken students often turned to thievery – she went out of her way to check in on her friend.

“Is that what you’re wearing?” Rebecca asked her.

Jamie looked over her clothes, “What’s wrong with it?”

“If you’re looking for girls tonight why don’t you take the opportunity to dress up a little?”

“This is ‘dressed up,’” she said, snapping the suspenders over her shoulders. “And we don’t all have the time or the looks to pull, don’t you forget.”

‘You know how to bartend, right?’ she had brought up the week before. They had been sat smoking on her bed while the rest of halls was quiet.  
‘Why do you ask?’  
‘We’re having a get together after class to celebrate passing, well, surviving so far anyway. Our cocktail maestro has been kicked off the course.’  
Jamie had groaned. She knew how those gatherings ended. Twenty-year-old fuckboys trying to cop a feel, Becs disappearing with some random guy halfway through, and Jamie left at four o’clock in the morning to drown her sorrows alone, just the way she liked it.  
‘What do I get out of it?’  
‘My eternal gratitude.’  
‘You say that every time.’  
‘And you do it every time. Besides, those boys up from Eton are footing the bill, and the courtesy extends to whoever’s serving.’  
“Is that all I am to you?’  
‘You are the recipient of my gratitude, remember?” Rebecca had told her, kissing her on the cheek. One o’clock and she was already high. Not that Jamie judged her for it – she was no saint herself – but she knew all too well what boys their age would try slip a girl like that, and she took it upon herself to keep an eye on her, even if it was from a distance.  
‘Is that a yes?’  
Jamie had rolled her eyes, blown smoke in her face. There was not a lot she would not do for her friends, especially when they looked like that. ‘And, you might meet someone. Maybe she’ll stay long enough for the morning after?’

Jamie looked over her clothes in the mirror. It would do.

-

Even in a place like Cambridge, the student life was nothing if not predictable. By midnight, a dozen glasses had been broken, four fights taken outside and a relationship or two ended.  
Jamie watched it all unravel from her corner, happy enough to spectate until anything got particularly ugly. It had been a good couple of years since she had worked a real, stationary bar, but she had found herself missing the twelve inches of wood offering sanctuary from the rest of the scene. And her second hand experience of Britain’s brightest gave her plenty of reassurance not to cross it.

When a lawyer-in-the-making shattered a wine bottle over his friend’s head, she could only wonder why she put herself through these things for her friend for what was not the first time that night. Rebecca herself had not returned her gaze for hours; her pinned hair was beginning to slacken and a few curls were now framing the portrait of her face. Her legs were thrown over the lap of some boy in her classes. She roared with laughter at whatever it was he had said.  
Jamie’s face twinged before she turned around.  
At least the music was good for once. And the clothes did look pretty authentic before being inevitably lost throughout the night.

“Gin and tonics,” a student ordered, holding up three fingers.

“Slice of lime?” Jamie asked.

They were running low on ice. No surprises there, the freezers were shit and the students drinking like there was no tomorrow. Still, Jamie herself wanted a drink at the end of the night and a lukewarm glass left something to be desired. Hell, the students were too far gone to even notice by then.

“Hold down the fort for a minute?” she asked the only other person occupying the bar . They managed to wave her off despite being half-asleep over a stool. The triumphs of the human spirit, she thought.

For such a grand building it was near impossible to find any place unoccupied. The old halls of residence had been turned over years ago for whatever extra-curricular thrills the local alumni sought. More than once she had heard them refer to the place as a shagger’s lane, but she was sure they preferred to think of it as multifunctional. At least they could gather there before the higher powers found out and broke it up.  
She finally found an outdoor patio deserted hours before. The only rooms at the back of her were the old dormitories, that some of them she was sure were broken into to sleep off the eccentricities, giving her a moment of peace to smoke. Jamie leant against the canopy, sighing with relief.

The plant beds had been abandoned the year before, poor things, and she drew her hand through the browned leaves in sympathy. If she did not know any better, she would have sworn things came there just to die. Their old hometown had nothing to offer her than pure bad luck and when her only real friend had told her she had been accepted to Cambridge, Jamie had not known what to do other than go running after her.

And those had been the bad days, the worst days, where she did not know where she was strung on the back of her last trip and too early yet for her next one night stand. If it had not been for the kindness of strangers, she did not know where she would have ended up. Or rather, she did not want to think about it. Her insides turned unpleasantly. Jamie snuffed the cigarette on the wall. One bad habit to replace the others.

It was easier to take the fire escape to avoid the ground floor crowd, and she would have found herself right at the back of the bar if the night had not had a different plan for her.  
The balcony doors were open, letting in the two o’clock moonlight. When the air stirred it smelt like cheap gin and blue perfume, washing all the anxieties of the world away until the following morning. She knew all too well how strangers threw themselves at one another in those hours, where everything was good and clear and the responsibilities of tomorrow were to be sneaked out to tomorrow. For a few disillusioned moments they were too young to be touched by the light.

The stranger was sat on the edge of the bed. She had been crying until her body was empty of any feeling and her head was in her hands.  
Jamie shivered from the cold.  
She ought to get back, she thought, rocking on her feet, it had been long enough already. The girl had not moved for a while though.

She pulled her mouth to the side. “You alright?”

After a moment – in which she realised that she was not alone – the stranger raised her eyes. At the sight of Jamie, her hands in her pockets, too nervous to step into something she knew better than to get trapped in, her body sank a little.  
And then she began to cry again, quieter than before, and she ran the back of her hand under her nose.

Jamie walked carefully into the abandoned room and sat down next to her. She left a respectable space between them, just in case the stranger took it the wrong way.

“It’s fine, I’m fine,” the girl told her. American, she noted, and pretty too, even in the state she was in. “My boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, he keeps calling and trying to get me to go back home. And I told him I’m here now and I can’t – he knows too much about me and he keeps saying he’ll tell my family about me and I – ”

“Might wanna’ take a breath, love,” Jamie said, taking her elbow for a moment. The girl met her eyes for the first time. Jamie could feel the blood in her mouth.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say all that.” She put her hands over her eyes again. “I thought I’d be alright here, and I would get away from all of this, maybe even – the girls here – but I haven’t even kissed anyone since him and my ex, he . . . I might never go back.”

The stranger seemed to have drawn her own conclusion. She looked out at her surroundings as if it still seemed surreal to her, being an ocean away from her own history. Drunk too, no doubt. It looked more like a hotel room in that light.

“Look,” Jamie tried, “I don’t know what you’re goin’ through, or what you’ve come from, but you’ve gotta’ take some time for yourself, pet, you need to put your own head first. And if they don’t want you back there, fuck ‘em. Seriously, they’re not worth the grief.”

The girl had laughed despite herself, but it sounded wounded. She was taking Jamie in properly again, her suspenders and slacks and the white shirt she had cuffed for ease. There was the scent of cigarette smoke in her hair.

“If there’s anything I know, it’s that shit works out. I promise you, it does.”

Jamie ran her hands over the edge of the bedspread. It was time to make a move.

“One day at a time,” she told her. The girl had already bridged the gap between them, kissing her on the lips. Jamie’s breath stilled in her body. The stranger tasted of salt and cider and all too much like a throwaway kiss she would cringe over a week after, but Jamie kissed her back anyway, for the hell of it, she told herself. Her hand had come to the girl’s side and she pushed the tears there to her hairline, still not moving either way.  
The stranger kissed her again, her mouth half-open that time and Jamie took what she was given with the gratitude of the starved. Besides, the stranger had looked so goddamn sad before, and she had a weakness for damsels in would-be distress.

Jamie nearly rolled her eyes at herself. But the American girl had pulled back and she saw the trails left between their lips.

“I’m so sorry, I – ” she started. “I shouldn’t have done that, I don’t even know you.”

“Can’t say I’m complaining,” Jamie told her. “But I don’t think that solved anything, love.”

“I should go.” She got up a little too quickly.

“Want me to walk ya’?” The girl had a look in her eye, one that told Jamie that she did not know what to make of that. “Not for that! Just to make sure you’re safe, is all.”

The stranger nodded, one hand in her hair. Another wave must have hit her.

“Whereabouts are you staying?”

“I have a friend a couple of blocks away, I can stay there.”

“Alright,” Jamie offered her her arm. “Let me be the valet then.”

They left the building to the sound of some boys whooping. “You pulled, Taylor?”

“Piss off,” she told them, not loud enough for them to hear her.  
One of the group she recognised under a balcony, four drinks in and not faring as badly as the rest of them. “If Becs asks, I’ll be back in ten minutes, yeah?”  
He nodded half-heartedly.  
Jamie was not willing to linger much more. The stranger directed them down past the student accommodation on the edge of town, leaning on her shoulder when the world began to tilt.

There were lights on at the house, at least.  
The girl who answered the door looked almost-familiar to Jamie, a friend of a friend perhaps, and she softened at the sight of the other girl.

“What happened to you?” Another American, she noted, they were taking over the town.

“Eddie called me, can I stay here tonight?”

“Of course, get in here.” The girl pulled her into a short embrace that made Jamie realise that she did not belong there by the empty entryway.

“You gonna’ be alright here, love?”

The girl nodded and thanked her.

“Alright, then. Goodnight?” Jamie reached for another cigarette before she called it a night.

Most of the law party was deserted by the time she got back, not before raiding the better part of the bar fridges, though. A few students were blacked out on a settee and the floor was littered in banners. Jamie poured herself a drink and slouched back to assess the damage.

“Bastards,” she cursed. She had intended on taking whatever was left home with her.

“Yeah,” the slumped figure on the bar stool agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Comments always go a long way and are much appreciated <3 let me know what you think so far? 
> 
> Stay safe!!


	2. Chapter 2

“Didn’t expect to see you here on time.”  
Jamie checked her phone. She was a quarter of an hour early, not a rare thing to see but she had not gotten much sleep after getting in the night before and so sat reading and smoking until the sun rose.

“Since when am I ever late?” she smiled.

Owen rolled his eyes.

“And what does that mean, anyway?” she asked him. “I wasn’t the one of the ones getting wasted last night.”

“I heard you took off with some girl, can’t say I thought you’d be in any time soon.”

“Shouldn’t believe everything you hear, you know.” Jamie made her way to the back room to change while Owen set about getting her some breakfast, assuming safely enough she had not eaten already. “Who told you? Becs?”

“No,” he called from the two-station kitchen, “knew a guy who dropped by there, friend of someone on the course, apparently.”

“Thought they all called a ‘townie’ at the uni?” Jamie had emerged with her hair done up and reasonably ready to face the day.

“Oh, they do,” he assured her. “But they like my muffins.”

“I bet they do,” Jamie took the plate and thanked him. They had ten minutes until open, at least.

“So, who’s the lucky lady?”

“Lady Luck’s got nothing to do with it. Just wanted to make sure she got home in one piece, is all.” Jamie avoided his eyes, a moment away from wolfing down her breakfast.

“You’re not getting soft on me, surely?” Owen asked.

Jamie poured honey over the sausage and French toast. He had even grated cinnamon up for her, God, she thought, she ate better on shifts than she had for most of her life. She had found herself thinking of the American girl once or twice, a dim light in an otherwise quiet night. Jamie had always found her way steering through the dark. She liked it even, getting to have a drink alone in a place nobody could see her. But the girl had seemed pretty torn up about the whole thing. That was not Jamie’s problem, though. She hoped that she was alright.  
When she remembered the weight of his eyes on her she felt suddenly sorry for whatever deer might find itself caught in the headlights. There were always worse places to be.

“Never,” she told him. “and why the hell are we sellin’ mince pies in September?”

He looked over at the counter. “Who says they have to be seasonal? When the kids get high, they get hungry.” Calling them kids, she thought, God he sounded old. She was the same age as most of them.

“Can’t say it ever happened to me.”

“What did happen?” he asked half-heartedly.

“You don’t wanna’ know.” Jamie grinned and went to clear the table. There was already a queue outside when she opened the doors.

“You ready?” Owen asked her. He had buttoned up his whites, as he had done a thousand times before.

“Never,” Jamie told him, bracing herself for the nine o’clock rush, telling herself that truer words had never been spoken.

-

It had been two days before she heard from Rebecca again. Although she knew that she had more than enough school work to do, she had still spent most of her morning pissed off that she had not gotten a reply yet.  
Until her lunch break at least, when Rebecca had asked if they could walk around the green for the half an hour she was obligated to take. Jamie threw off her apron and pulled a jacket on – shit, it was getting cold already, or living so far south she was just not used to it – before finding her way to the lawns.

“Where have you been, love?” Jamie took the last cigarette out the pack.

“Sorry, Jay, this semester’s already been a killer. But the boys had a great time last night and two girls asked me for your number.”

Jamie mumbled something under her breath. They were the only ones out on the green that morning, minute in the shadow of the halls, except for the rabbits disappearing into the far off brambles before too many students came by. They stopped at the canal to finish their coffee, taking in the familiar, saline stretch of dark water.

“Seems like a bad idea having water this close to a footpath, especially with students staggering around at night.”

“Didn’t you hear? Apparently some poor girl drowned in it last year.” Rebecca told her.

“Christ,” Jamie said. She caught the time on her phone. “Shit, I should be getting back.”

“It’s only been ten minutes, you know you legally get half an hour for every six you work in – ”

“I know, I know,” Jamie told her. “But it’s Owen.” Who scarcely ever took a break himself, she neglected to add.

“Jamie, you don’t owe him anything.”

“Yeah, I do,” she cut her off, a little sharper than she had intended. There was more that could be said, they both knew it, but something had crossed the girl’s expression and Jamie felt cold all of a sudden. It was only when Rebecca’s gaze passed over her shoulder that she remembered they were still in the middle of a footpath.

“Dani?”

“Oh, hey!”

Jamie glanced over her shoulder to see an all too familiar face.

“Jamie, this is Dani, she helps nanny the Wingrave kids when I’m not up there,” Rebecca told her.

“Oh . . .” Jamie began, taking her in. The girl looked different in the midday light, even if somewhat overcast. Her hair was halfway tied and the cold had made her cheeks tinged. And her eyes, those seawater eyes, crossed over Jamie in a way she had rarely felt before. She felt rather like an animal being dissected, not out of maliciousness, more that she was seeking to understand something she did know the name of.

“Jamie,” she said, trying the feel of her name.

“You alright?” she asked her out of politeness, drawing the last breath from her dead cigarette.

“Nice to meet you,” Dani said, holding out her hand. Jamie huffed at the formality, as if the woman had not thrown herself at her the night before, but returned the gesture regardless.

“You might have seen James around before, can never stay away long, this one.” Rebecca smiled at her, in the way that made Jamie feel very young again. Eleven years old on the cricket field and she had never even kissed a girl before. Was she trying to get back in Jamie’s good books, she wondered, because it was far too easy a feat for her to accomplish. “We go back to – God, when was it? Year seven?”

Jamie nodded coolly, not sure why her friend always insisted on sharing these things with complete strangers.

“Oh,” Dani smiled at the thought, and it was the first genuine smile Jamie had seen from her. “Thank you, for last night.” Her voice was lowered a little.

Jamie rocked on her feet. “Nothing to worry about, chick.” She busied herself with looking out at the playing fields.

“Oh, have you two . . .” Rebecca asked.

“Jamie – she – walked me back to Trish’s before. I was kind of a mess.”

“Look at you, protector of innocent Americans.” Rebecca raised an eyebrow that Jamie could not help but smile at. “James was always a sucker for a pretty face.”  
Christ, she thought.  
Dani adjusted the books in her hands, unsure how to take any unexpected attention from a girl like Rebecca. Jamie had had enough of whatever matchmaking her friend was attempting that day.

“Right, I’ve gotta’ get back to work.”

“Don’t forget, there’s the meet up next week and you’re my plus one,” Rebecca called after her. “You know where Trish lives, right?”

Jamie burned under their eyes and flicked her the Vs, making sure it was not directed at Dani. There was not – thankfully – enough time to linger on it. They had a queue out the door for most of the afternoon and barely enough time between rushes to clean up after themselves. Jamie locked the doors at five o’clock and Owen poured them both a glass of wine.

Jamie went to get a cigarette but the packet was as empty as her pocket. 

“You alright?” Owen asked her. “You’ve been smoking like it’s your last day on earth.”

“I’m fine,” she said. “Just preoccupied.”

They toasted to another day survived and had closed comfortably by seven. Jamie took the green on the way home, where the sun had shined from the fresh rain to the red-glazed bricks in the old parts of town, and she kicked through the puddles with nobody there to tell her not to.

-

The young woman was somewhere down the first page when she had dozed off. Something hit her square in the chest and she awoke with a jolt. Good Christ, she thought.

“Black or blue, James?”

“Fuck, I don’t know. Blue.”  
Jamie looked back to her book but the words were too dark on the page. She had had more than enough prosecco to make her buzzed, and managed the meal deal Becs had bought her so she would keep the last glass down. “Why’d you have to get mayo, I fucking hate mayo. You have to know this by now.”

“It’s all they had left. So shut up and be grateful.”

“Eternally,” Jamie told her, tossing half of it away.

Her own place had been closer to whatever party was planned but her friend had insisted on tearing through half her wardrobe first. “You’ve got more in there than fuckin’ Barnado’s. Can we please go soon?”

“Not long now, I promise, I just need to nail this.”

“Dare I ask why?” Jamie’s eyes almost rolled into the back of her head.

“Our TA’s gonna’ be there and God, Jamie, I swear, you should see him.” Rebecca had found a scarf to throw over her shoulders. “And he knows people, people who could actually get me somewhere. He’s sweet too, said I had the makings of a real barrister someday.”

“What’s wrong with barista?” Jamie smirked, knowing her friend would not be seen dead in an apron and coffee stains. She herself was starting to think she spent most of her life with them. Her dungarees had been neglected for a night at her friend’s insistence, instead tucking an oversized floral shirt into one of the only pairs of jeans she had not worn through to pieces.

“You look good,” Rebecca had told her. “Dani’s gonna’ be there, she was asking about you the other day.”

Jamie’s expression stilled. She knew that her friend would not give out a complement she did not mean – and there was a kind of curiosity in her eyes that darkened at the thought.

“Asking what?” She ran her fingers down the spine of her book, not knowing what else to do with them.

The woman crashed down on the bed next to her. If there was a blush on Jamie’s face, she was kind enough not to mention it. “She only asked if you were single, and seemed relieved when I told her you were. I also said you would never tell me if you weren’t anyway, you’re a woman of mystery.”

Jamie was leafing through the pages again. “Just don’t see the point in sharing things for the whole world to see, you know?”

“Do you like her?”

The woman shrugged.

“If you do make her your latest conquest, please let her down gently, at least. I won’t let you go crawling out the morning after and never speaking to her again. She’s too good for that, that one. And she’s going through some shit right now.” Rebecca was looking out the window. “Maybe you should be there to offer some comfort.”

Jamie elbowed her in the ribs. “Let’s get out of here before we’re already pissed, yeah?”

Rebecca had already moved to catch her by the waist, reaching for her sides where she was particularly ticklish, until Jamie was in fits and could not move for laughing.

-

A house party was a thing the woman had always found so completely tactless and enamouring. The small gathering, almost always surrounded by whitewashed student housing, almost always ending in a police visit and a back-garden bonfire, had somehow become a tradition of predictability for the two of them.  
There was a sentimentality to each one she would keep bottled on her shelves if she could have: the wine was cheap and room temperature, the strangers oblivious to the volume of their words, and somehow Jamie always found herself settled on the settee to watch the night unravel as if she did it every day.

And even she had to admit Rebecca’s TA was good looking (if not all too aware of it) but she found the conversation intolerable for such a stage of sobriety and left at the first chance she got.  
There was a film playing in the front room – Twelve Angry Men, she reckoned – even if only for the benefit of the law students, who were wrapped up in a debate too full of jargon for her to begin taking sides in.

The rest of them were milling about to avoid the conversation, about twenty of them in all, more students than not but enough familiar faces for Jamie to share a few smokes and laughter well enough.

She found her way to the furthest corner of the garden, to an iron bench she was fairly certain had been taken from the local park, to get some reading done in her own, content haze. Rebecca had sworn she was the only person she had seen that would take a book to a party or pub, to which she argued they both involved her two favourite things.

“Oh, it’s the chauffeur,” a voice said. She looked up to see Trish.

“The one and only.”

“Mind if I join you?”

“It’s your house, ain’t it?” Jamie asked, but the woman had already settled beside her. She slapped the book shut a little too harshly.

“Not a student, are you?” Trish said.

Jamie shook her head. “You a transfer?”

“Boston. Not too bad a city, I guess.”

“Don’t know why you’re bothering with here, then.” Jamie began working the label off her bottle. She had never been much for universities, she supposed, having only visited them for her friend’s fresher’s weeks anyway.

“You think she’ll seal the deal tonight?” Trish looked over to Rebecca below the balcony, sharing a cigarette with the most recent subject of her attention.

“Probably, she always kind of got whoever it was she wanted, lookin’ like that,” Jamie said. Trish shot her a smirk. “I mean, I hope not, but I’ve seen it happen before.”

Trish was taking in her expression too long for her liking.

“You like her?”

Jamie shook her head. “Just lookin’ out for a friend. Don’t really know enough about this Quint lad to trust him. And don’t want her wasting her chances of really gettin’ somewhere she could be.”

The other woman was still watching her, until Jamie excused herself at last. “Where’s your bathroom?”

“Upstairs and to your right, love,” Trish said with a knowing smile. Jamie found herself too far gone by that time of the night to wonder what she had meant by that.

By the time she had gotten through the crowd of twenty-somethings huddled around to watch the football match, she could barely remember why she was up there in the first place. Hadn’t even needed the loo anyway, she thought, she never knew why she always came to these things when her first instinct was isolation. The sound of the house was muffled up there to something she could stomach, find herself comfortable enough in even. Her blood became warm in her body again.

“Oh, hey,” the girl smiled. Jamie stopped in what was decidedly not the bathroom, her hand still on the doorknob.

“Hey, Poppins . . .”

Dani smiled at the nickname.

“Sorry, didn’t know you were up here.”

“It’s okay, this is a spare bedroom. Trish and the girls are letting me stay a couple of days. To keep an eye on me, I think.” She was sat on the floor against the made-up bed, the black and white spectres of the television screen all around her. “You can come in, y’know.”

“Right,” Jamie said, possessed all at once by something greater than herself. She put her hands in her pockets, her book tucked beneath one arm. “How’ve you been keeping?”

Dani’s eyes ran over her and she had to stop her body from a shudder. “Did you bring a book to a party?” She did not seem amused so much as curious. “Anything good?” It was pleasantly refreshing, Jamie thought.

“Moby Dick. Been meaning to read it for a while.”

“Your white whale?”

Jamie huffed. “Something like that.”

Dani shuffled to the side and gestured next to her to sit. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want.”

“Oh, I was just . . .” Jamie bit the inside of her cheek.

“Looking to get away from the party? I get that. Not the best place for reading, I take it?” 

Jamie took a seat beside her with all the caution of a street cat. The girl unwrapped herself from it blanket – it was looking a little E.T., even Jamie had to say – for them to share. She pulled it up to their lap.

“Why’re you watching ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ exactly?”

“Hey, it’s a classic.” Dani told her.

“I swear, what is it with people this year, we’re still in summer for Christ’s sake.”

“Not a fan, I take it?”

Jamie shrugged, “Always preferred ‘White Christmas,’ if I’m honest.”

They sat in silence for a while, the party a floor below them rolling on without even knowing, the ambient sounds of some truly awful tunes playing that they were too young to call themselves nostalgic for but still somehow did. There were different manners of remembering in a lifetime, she had discovered even in her twenty one years, different kinds of grief she did not believe to be entitled to feel despite her own heart, nonetheless. Some species were not built to carry such things.

“This is nice,” Dani said, after half an hour or so had passed – in which the warm beer had settled her deep into her own body and she had almost drifted off without realising.

“Hmm?” Jamie asked.

‘What’s a pretty girl like you doing marrying this two-headed brother of mine?’ the television scratched.

“Look, about the other night – ”

“Dani, you don’t have to – ”

“Let me just . . . I asked Rebecca and she said you weren’t in a relationship or anything, but still I shouldn’t have assumed anything, shouldn’t have just thrown myself at you like that.”  
Assumed what, Jamie thought, her body humming in its comedown.  
“Thank you, again, for taking care of me.”  
For not taking advantage of me, she said beneath her throat, but it did not seem the evening for such a thing to say. Plenty of people in the world would have, but Jamie wouldn’t, Jamie would never.

“Don’t worry about it, Poppins,” she told her. Hell of a kiss, she felt it tugging at the pit of her stomach, begging to be born in that little spare bedroom encompassed in monochrome snow.

Best kiss a girl could ask for, Dani thought to herself, but she knew beyond words that saying anything of the sort might render her quiet evening another good thing to lose, and those days of peace had been getting harder to come by for years.  
Something was different in Jamie’s eyes by then, she knew it – assumed what, assumed what, it was only two words and she swore she had forgotten how the language had formed in her mind all those years before – and neither of them would say it then.

In the end, Jamie pulled them hand in hand from that particular flashflood. “Shut up, now, Poppins, tryna’ enjoy the festivities here.”

Dani smiled, not meeting her gaze. They stayed there until past midnight, only getting up once to steal some wine from downstairs where the rest of them were too busy drinking or shagging in the bathroom to notice. Both of their impressions of Jimmy Stewart grew worse throughout the evening until their cheeks hurt from laughter.  
At one o’clock Jamie uncurled herself from the blanket. “Reckon I should head out.”

“You sure? It’s still early.”

“That’s alright. Not much for the night time, anyway.” The last glass of wine was just hitting her. Jamie stopped herself at the door. “Just one question, before I go.”

Dani looked up at her from the floor, doe-eyed and still smiling like a school kid that had stayed up late on a weeknight.

“Did they get that bench out back from the park?”

She pulled her smile to the side, wine-tinted and flushed. “Yeah, the wardens are still looking for it.”

Jamie furrowed her eyebrows. “Fair enough,” she said. “You take care of yourself, yeah?”

“You too, Jay.” Something in her stomach dropped at the sound of it. Jamie closed the door behind her before she could breach the distance between them and do something she might regret. She was tipsy and her friend was off with some boy and not her and the pretty American had looked like she was folding in on herself. Dani had felt so small under her hands those few night before.  
Get your shit together, she told herself.  
Downstairs, Becs was still with her friends and too many gin and tonics deep for any more shop talk. When she found out Jamie was done for the night, she decided to walk back with her, promising Trish she would text her when they were back.

“Have a good time?” Rebecca spoke up, and Jamie murmured some response. She was too weathered and warm and exhausted by then to talk, only wishing her a brief goodnight at the door and collapsing into bed for a few hours, where the film credits still rolled past closed eyes in her dreaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! I’ll probably update my other bly fic again before I do this one, if you like video games maybe check out some of my other stuff?  
> As always comments do mean an awful lot and make my day, stay safe!! <3
> 
> (I have been told before I’m the only person that is ever seen reading in a pub, buy me a pint sometime)


	3. Chapter 3

Dani awoke that morning with the certainty that she felt better than she had in years. Even her dreams had been gentle, although she did not remember how. A golden light, a hand at the end of her fingers, she thought, a sensation of wellness that encompassed her being. That was all.

She washed away the remnants of the prior night’s wine and stepped out of the bathroom feeling newborn. The room – barely furnished, barely much of anything – had been more her own than any place she had lived in before. Perhaps Trish might let her stay there a little longer.

“Hey, sleeping beauty, for you.” She passed the woman a glass of water.  
Trish was sprawled out over the settee, surrounded by half-drunk plastic cups and in someone else’s hoody. She groaned and rolled over at the sound of human life. “You have to get up at some point, you do have lectures soon.” It was one o’clock already. Trish flung an arm over her eyes.

In the kitchen, Dani put together what she could to make some decent hangover food and set up at least five alarms on her phone, having memorised the passcode after many a house party. She managed to rouse a bit with the breakfast in her system, thanking Dani for her kindness again.  
The girl only took the plate from her with a smile.

“You have let me stay here, rent free, for like a week now, it’s the least I can do.”

“Just don’t let accommodation find out and we’re square. They’re already making a pain in the ass out of the gas bill.”

Dant went to ask her if she had tried paying it but thought better of herself.

“And how was your night? Have a good time?” Trish had at last stopped rubbing her temples.

“Yeah . . . it was nice. Just watched a movie,” Dani nodded.

“And the company?”

“Uh . . .” She took her coffee up to have something to hold.

Trish pushed her shoulder. “Think I wouldn’t notice? So did you sleep with her?”

Dani managed to catch her mug in time.

“I’m only pulling your leg, Clayton, unless you pulled more. Know you’re still getting used to the being out thing, and you’re not one night stand material, believe me.”

Dani gave her a look, her eyes frozen. “I could be a one night stand if I wanted to . . .” she murmured, barely believing it herself.

“It’s a good thing, I promise. She seems like a catch, Becs said she was a bit of a party animal back in her day though, might wanna’ tread lightly around that one.”

“I thought she was our age?” She blew over her drink.

“I know, it’s just, some people go through things at different times, right? The whole going out, letting go, maybe it was too much too young. I don’t know. You never know what someone’s been through.” Trish shrugged.

The two of them sat there for a while, their arms around their knees in order to keep their stomachs down, until Dani saw the time and remembered that she had promised herself she would actually get some work done that day.  
The library was unprecedentedly quiet, although the weather may have encouraged the people out in hoards, and she relished the quiet even if her mind could not seem to settle on what she needed to do.

One of the librarians, an older woman who sometimes guided her down the aisles and spoke fondly of her literature course, came by to see her given the abrupt solitude.  
Dani listen raptly to her talk about the classics, Brontë, Plath, Tolstoy, as if the words were old friends she still wondered about. They were interrupted when a student a few seats down fell into their chair with a huff. The woman rolled her eyes above the monitor, like Dani was in on this private joke about the other students, and made her way over after a while.

Dani only caught the tailend of the conversation – “If you’re sure you don’t need any assistance,” – and some muttering about knowing more than the librarian anyway, but it was not until an hour later on her way to leave that she recognised them. Not a student at all, if the brunette curls and denim jacket were any indication, what on earth was she doing there?  
The young woman, charmingly, had fallen asleep on the keyboard and it was skipping down the screen one line at a time.  
Biting her lip, the American girl looked over her shoulder. An article on horticulture in the cities, that sort of thing, the benefits of parks as ecosystems and gardens on building roofs. She furrowed her brow.

Hadn’t Rebecca said she only worked nearby? Surely enough, the name on the keycard was not her own, ‘Owen Sharma,’ whoever he might be, had hopefully not been missing it.  
Before she left, she clicked off the page so it did not continue to get dragged down through ninety three pages of oblivion, and checked the contented rise-and-fall of the barista’s shoulders one last time.

-

“How many times do I have to tell you,” the fall of the textbooks awoke Jamie with a start, “that the library computers are only for students with a valid card?”

Ruffling her hair, she stretched out on her seat. “This is valid,” she protested, pulling it from the CPV before the woman had the chance to catch it.

“Mr. Sharma has not attending since he graduated.”

“Well, lucky for you that is not my name. And why do you still remember Owen, anyway? Any particular reason he’s stayed on your mind?” Jamie smiled.

The librarian rolled her eyes at her. “Jamie . . .”

“Hannah . . .” She turned the pen through her fingers. “Brought you a lot of coffees in my time, haven’t I, free of charge? And saved your houseplants, which you seem adamant to drown half the time.”

“While I am glad you are on the pursuit of knowledge in your free time – ” Such a librarian, Jamie thought, “ – I cannot afford to be reprimanded for public use of university materials.”

“Can’t afford it, is everything alright at work? Good at home?” Jamie asked.

Hannah only offered her an eyeroll. “Feigning interest won’t get you anywhere, Jamie.”

“You’d be surprised,” she shrugged. Her flannel shirt was falling from her shoulder and the woman moved it back for her. Strange, Jamie thought, that she had never had children of her own. Too much time invested in books instead. Or perhaps that was what her favourite students were for her.

“And the computers in the public library are free to use, you know?”

“They were installed in 1998,” Jamie told her.

“And these in 2005.”

“Aren’t you glad your hard-earned money is helping the children’s education?” Jamie could not help but grin.

Entirely too chuffed with herself as usual, Hannah thought. She held out the lanyard in front of her.

“What’s this, then?”

“For you. The staff computers at the back are a lot faster and have a lot more access to online articles and such. As long as you can get away with it, it’s yours on most days of the week.” She pulled the keycard back from her reach. “On one condition.”

“Is it Owen’s number, by any chance?”

“Do look into the horticulture courses here, will you? Or English or Chemistry or whatever it is you want. You’re not meant to be making tea and coffee your whole life,” Hannah told her. Jamie sank back for a moment.

“Thought we’d talked about this before. They’d never take someone like me on, certainly not at bloody Cambridge. I didn’t even finish A-Levels and – ”

“The Open University then!” She swung the lanyard her way. Jamie caught it like a cat with a string. “Just think about it, for my sake? And know I’ll do anything I can to help you with potential courses.”

Jamie groaned. “You’re very kind for a Christian woman, you do know that right?”

“Better than Catholic, anyway,” Hannah smiled, leaving her to the blank monitor. She walked away that day with an ill feeling in her stomach.

-

“Ay up,” Jamie called. “I come bearing a Chinese.” She closed the door to Owen’s flat behind her.

“Thank God.” He emerged from the kitchen. “Want a glass of something? I’ve got a Shiraz.”

“Bougy.”

“Not particularly, Lidl’s finest. Do you say that about any wine you haven’t heard of?”

“Pretty much.” She sat cross-legged on the settee. “Don’t disrespect Lidl like that though, it’s done more for this country than we could even imagine.”

“And what a country we’ve got,” Owen smirked, handing her a glass.

“‘Least we’re not in France.” He began to run through the channels for something before he could start his food. “You still thinkin’ about moving over there?”  
She made sure to watch his reaction from an ever- set expression.

“That’s the dream, right?” Owen settled back in the seat opposite her. “But right now, I’m just glad to be making rent.” Jamie was still playing with her chopsticks. “Why?”

“Don’t know,” she managed to shrug. “Anyone else runnin’ the place might realise I’m shit at makin’ flat whites and kick me to the curb.”

“That’s not gonna’ happen, Jamie. They are mediocre, at least.”

She rolled her eyes. “Thank for that, boss.”

“What about you, where do you think you’ll end up in five years time?” The man broke open his fortune cookie the palm of his hand.  
God, Jamie thought, the question would have once daunted her to the bone, or made her laugh out loud. There was a time she had not thought she would make it to twenty one even, the way she was headed, but had she not made it that far now? Barely able to pull herself together in the morning perhaps but still standing nonetheless.  
Only she had had to learn in her time not to plan too far ahead, the way thing could turn on her as they did. The woman could only appreciate what she had each day, and keep a bag ready by the front door. Bringing that up would only put a damper on things, however, and Owen worried about her enough already.

“Can’t say I’ve given it much thought. Can’t say I’ve really tried to. Maybe get some actual qualifications if I’m able. Open uni or something.” She looked down at her dinner so as to avoid his eyes. The woman could practically feel his smile on her.

“That’s great Jamie, I’m proud of you. I really think a start like that could do you the world of good.” He had even set his glass down to stop himself throwing it to the floor.

But Jamie’s eyes were flicking back and forth with uncertainty.  
If she really sought something with an education, that might mean giving up work, or cutting down on her hours at least, and then what if things started to regress back to the way they were, and that would make her, what: a burden, a burden, her body hummed, she could not go back to that.  
A few more years, she told herself, working for Owen, covering shifts, elbow deep in the washing machine every week, and then she might have paid him off for everything she owed. Owen would have none of it if she spoke the thought aloud, of course, he would do anything to help keep her afloat. But she owed him this at least, and Jamie did not like owing people anything, especially when she knew she could not afford to pay it back.

“God, don’t you start too,” she said after an unbroken silence. “Just thinkin’ about it, that’s all.”

“And hey, maybe you’ll meet a nice girl there. Get a proper relationship going – no offense.” He knitted his eyebrows together, knowing he had fared little better.  
Jamie never had any problem getting another notch on her bedpost, per say, it was more the calling them afterwards she could not manage. At least she could talk to women, though.

“World needs its dreamers, I guess,” she said in the end.

-

‘Call me Ishmael. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely – having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.’

Dani ran her fingers down the sides of the book. It smelt beautiful, ancient and dry, the body of a tree long since dead, and she wished she could bottle it even if only to wear as perfume.  
She had found the book since she returned for her things the following day. Although she knew that Trish and the girls did not mind it, she felt that she had outstayed her welcome at the house and could not put off returning to the two-bed dorms any longer.  
Now that she had the book, she had no real excuse not to return it to its owner. Dani could not understand why that caused such apprehension to sit in her chest. She had been the one that had invited Jamie to sit with her that night, to stay until the credits rolled. What if the girl would always be the something-of-a-stranger she had thrown herself at in such a state.

Hardly one month in the country and she had already achieved what back home was a faraway fantasy, she had at last kissed a girl – after almost two decades, one relationship and several doubts – and what was more the girl had kissed her back.  
But she did not know Jamie’s deal regardless, let alone if she would want to see her again. And since she had already apologised to her for that night, she did not know what else there was to say. Dani was still leafing through the book without realising. It was the least she could do to return the favour, she thought.

Dani (14.30): Hey! Sorry to bother you, do you know where Jamie works by any chance? x

Rebecca (14.42): Never a bother! The cafe on King Street, don’t know when they close today tho x

Dani (14.48): That’s alright, thank you! x

Rebecca is typing . . . (14.50)

Rebecca (15.01): Some of us are meeting up to study / drink and binge films instead Tuesday night, if you’re free to join? x

Dani (15.03): I should be, what do you need me to bring?

Rebecca (15.05): Just yourself, and smth to drink if you like

Rebecca (15.06): I’ll text you the details. Give my love to Jamie if you see her x

Dani (15.09): Will do x

She read the conversation a couple of times over. Rebecca had been nothing but kind to her since she arrived, although Dani sometimes felt a little daunted in her presence.  
Only because of her looks, Trish might have said, not anything to do with her familiarity or history with Jamie. She still could not get a read on the two of them. Rebecca had seemed so light, so forward, and Jamie so aloof it was hard to imagine them growing up together.  
Then again, she had only spoken to her a total of three times, and Rebecca she did not know nearly as well as some of her other friends. Friends, she told herself, as she stepped into the cafe, friends were what she was seeking out right now.

Other than Trish, the only others were those of Eddie’s – and she did not want to think of that. She was in England now, away from all of it, away from him. Dani had done everything she could to put all those miles between them so he could never touch her again.  
She deserved this, she told herself. She deserved good things because she was not a bad person. Not good perhaps, but she was working on that. The young woman had never thought she would have gotten far enough to think of herself as even decent not all that much time ago.  
On the other side of the coffee bar, Jamie turned to face her.

“Poppins, here for a fix?”  
Jamie was all green eyes and wonderful hair, even with her arms covered in coffee stains and her hands scalded Dani could not help but smile just to see her.

“Hey . . .” she began. The book was still tucked under her hands.

“Hey,” Jamie smiled back. She pulled her lips to the side.

“You, uh – you left this, the other night. I hope it was you anyway, no one else was in my bed.” Dani passed her back the book, wincing at her choice in words.

“Oh, right, thought I might have left it at the sodding library.” Her fingertips moved against Dani’s own. “Thanks for that. Can I get you anything, to pay you back?” She had begun to make her own cup of tea.

“You really don’t have to – ”

“It’s fine , I insist.”

“A coffee would be great, then, as long as I don’t get you into trouble or anything,” Dani said.

Jamie huffed. “Always in trouble, might as well make it worth my while. Any particular kind?”

Dani looked over the board. “I have no idea what half of these mean, to be honest. Just, something milky would be great?”

Jamie had her back to her, smacking a portafilter clean. “You up to anything fun tonight?”

“Just looking after the kids, I hope they’re not too much to handle.”

“Can they be?” Jamie asked. She passed her over a latte.

“They’re just kids,” Dani shrugged. “But Rebecca made them promise to be on their best behaviour this week.”

“Bad time for ya’, then?” Jamie leaned forward on her forearms. She hoped that Dani did not think she was prying, it was only curiosity.

“It’s only – ” Shit, too far, Jamie thought, “ – a bad anniversary, I guess.”

“Yeah, I get that. Hope you make it through the week alive, Poppins.” Jamie winked at her, and would have prayed for the earth to swallow her whole if Dani had not blushed under the attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! If you liked this maybe consider checking out my other bly writing uwu?? 
> 
> Remember those giant computers at school that could’ve crushed a small child? Those were the days, I don’t imagine they have them at unis now but I never went so idk 
> 
> If you’re in america right now I hope you all are staying safe!! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warnings: implied abuse

The woman made it about ten steps out the door before she stopped herself. Ahead of her the breeze had picked up, skirting the leaves over the cobblestones and the jackdaws shrieking to the roofs.  
On the small, grey jittyway she was the only one out there. Not even window-shoppers between the art houses and the florist’s.  
The bell rang when Dani turned back into the cafe.

“Here’s the thing,” she started.  
Jamie turned, wiping her hands on a tea towel and a little flushed by her return. An older man was leaning over a hot plate, but he only cleared his throat when he saw the two women watching one another and went round the back instead.  
The latte was spilling out of the top of the takeaway cup from her shaking. She hoped that Jamie would not notice (she did) or at least would not mention it (she did not).  
If anything, there was concern marking her haunting features, features that ought to have been memorialised into stone for how they were making Dani feel, as if she was the one that had overstepped the mark somehow.

“I only moved here a few weeks ago, and I still don’t really know the town or anyone here, and it would be really great if you wanted to hang out sometime.” Dani stopped to take a breath. “You don’t have to of course, I never want people to spend time with me just because they feel sorry for me or something.” She had not expected herself to speak of that particular footnote. Not even since Eddie had she –

“Dani, I would never – ” Something in Jamie’s throat cut her off at the sight of Dani standing there.

“But if you do, then maybe we could so something together, as friends?”

Jamie broke into a small smile. “Yeah, you’ve made that part clear. Can’t say I’m always the best company, but if you want to see some nice parts about town,” she shrugged, spinning a bottle opener around her fingers. “Then I’m your gal, I suppose.”

“I like your company,” Dani told her. There was so much tenderness and sincerity in her face it almost wounded her to see, the need to capture it before the rest of the world sabotaged this too, and turned her empty, resentful. Not the time, Jamie, she reminded herself.

“Well, I’m free Tuesday? Any other day I normally have to stay late,” she tilted her head in the direction of the back where Owen had squirreled himself away.

“I’ve got lectures at ten, but after that . . . if that’s okay with you?” The coffee burned her tongue when she took it back up, gauging her reaction.

“Right, be ready to bring your walkin’ boots then, Poppins, it can get a bit muddy this time of year,” Jamie told her. “Do you want my number? To arrange a place to meet and that?”

Dani stopped to tear a strip from an old exercise book instead. “You can have mine. I better . . . leave you to it now.” She eyes the queue forming behind her.

“Alright, well, it was nice seein’ you again, Dani.”

The woman dipped her head and made her way out.  
In the following hours, Jamie thought that she might have gotten away with it, until Owen rounded in on her the moment they closed. She was picking coffee grounds out the group head when he jumped her.

“Fuckin’ Christ,” she complained, a hand over her chest, “you’re gonna’ give us a heart attack one of these days.” Owen smiled at her. Her accent only came out stronger when she was angry, or drunk, or both.

“So, who was that?”

“Just a friend,” she said. “Don’t even get started on me, Sharma, I already woke up in a mood.”

“You’re always in a mood.” He leant back against the bar. “Not known many people that can render you speechless, though.”

“She didn’t render me . . . anything.” Jamie shook her head, half-tucked beneath the machine.

“Bet you wish she did though,” he smiled over his tea.

Jamie (17.10): Alright, Poppins?

Dani (17.17): Hey! Good thanks, you?

Jamie (17.30): Still standing, ta

Jamie (17.35): How’re the kids treating you?

Dani: (17.41): Loudly. They’re good kids really

Jamie: (17.44): Was thinking Tuesday, there’s a nice enough walk if the weathers right for it, and maybe a cafe or pub after? Know a few tucked away places.

Dani hesitated a moment, her mind drawing a blank on what to say.

Dani (17.50): Sounds perfect to me x

The woman dropped her phone down on the bed. Maybe there had been some insight to what Owen had said after all; she needed a second opinion on the matter, though.

Rebecca answered her video call almost immediately, propped up on her bed with a glass of wine.

“You got enough books for the course there? Christ, how many laws can there be?” Jamie asked her. They had spent countless hours on one another’s screens for the background company, especially when it was too cold to go out but they wanted to read side by side.

“Don’t even get me started on it, tell me about your day instead. How was work?” Rebecca asked.

She fell back against the headboard like a body. “Fuckin’ murder. The old-uns are killing me, one of them started just because we ran out of single cream, even though Owen told ‘em a week ago he hadn’t been able to schedule a delivery. Twats.”

“Twats,” her friend agreed. “Did you throw any punches?”

“Not before Owen offered them free pastries instead. Besides, they’re in their nineties, Becs, don’t know if I’d have it in me. They’ve seen war and shite.”

“He’s too nice sometimes.”

“You’re telling me. But that’s not what I was calling about.” Rebecca put her down book, intrigued. “Dani came by today.”

“Okay. And she . . .”

“And she asked if we could hang out. Sometime. As friends.”

“So you offered?”

“Yeah, I don’t know, she seemed pretty torn up about things still.” Jamie ran her hands over her face.

“So, what’s the problem with that? Unless you shagged her already.” Rebecca tipped back her glass.

“That’s the thing – ”

“You didn’t. Seriously Taylor, can you keep it in your pants for a week?”

“I didn’t sleep with her, Rebecca, Christ.” Jamie rolled her eyes. “Aren’t you slobbering over your TA still, anyway?”

Rebecca shrugged. “All’s fair, right?”

“I only kissed her. Well, she kissed me.”

“When did this happen? Well done, by the way, she’s gorgeous,” she toasted her. “Proud of you.”

Her head was still in her hands. “It was the first night – the 20s night. She was really drunk and upset, and I know people do dumb things when they’re drunk but we had a really good time together the other night at Trish’s. And she said the same.”

“Didn’t know you were so nostalgic like that, Jay,” Rebecca said. “It’s sweet.”

“It’s different. Being around her is different, it’s not like the other girls. It’s comfortable. Quiet.” Jamie shrugged. She was talking too much for her liking. “Look, I just need to know what her deal is. And if you don’t know, could you do some sleuthing for me, ask Trish maybe?”

“Jamie, are you asking me to stalk this girl for you?” She refilled her glass. “Because I absolutely will.”

“No! Don’t – be a creep. I just wanna’ know what I’m gettin’ myself into. Why she came over here in the first place, what happened with the ex. I don’t even know if she’s straight or – ”

“Blimey, demanding today, aren’t you?”

“Can’t be worse than coursework, can it?” Jamie took up a drink of her own, worrying the label off the side. “I just . . . don’t wanna’ be caught out with some straight girl that wants an experiment. I won’t do that.”

Rebecca had gone quiet, her expression darkening to some place Jamie rarely saw.

“You’re too good for that, Jay.”

Before she had time to register the silence that had fallen between them, another name appeared on the screen.

“Shit, I better go, see you later?”

Rebecca nodded, biting down on her lip. “Half seven? I’ll meet you there.”

“Thanks, love, I owe you one.”

Rebecca shook her head. “You don’t owe anyone anything.”

Her friend ended the call before she had the chance, and the rustle of Owen’s kitchen filled her room instead. “You there?”

“Sorry, chef, had another call.” She turned her phone onto loudspeaker so she could lay back on the bed. “Everything alright?”

“Important news,” he told her. “Single cream arrived.”

“Thank fuck for that.”

-

“Don’t laugh, Poppins, it’s becomin’ a serious problem,” Jamie told her. “I feel genuine relief when the milk gets delivered in the morning, keeps me up at night.”

Dani could not help but smile at her. Tuesday had come around faster than either of them would have anticipated; between late shifts, deadlines and taking care of the heirs of the small Wingrave fortune, the morning had crept up on them.

Jamie had taken an uncharacteristically long time to get ready; in the end she opted for skinny jeans and a woollen jumper, with a jacket tucked under her arm in case it rained, which had been a worthwhile choice when Dani reached out for the material covering her. No, she reminded herself, it wasn’t worth anything, Dani needed a friend and that was what she would be.  
The young woman had seemed quiet enough as it was, and so Jamie began telling stories from work to distract her, which had only lead to Dani pointing out how ‘mature’ it was of her for worrying about so many elements of her job, even those she could not control.  
“Who’d have thought it, twenty one and already acting like a senior, worrying about that shite?”

“You’re twenty one?” Dani asked. Jamie nodded, her hands in her pockets. “I think it’s sweet how much you care about what you do. Not many people our age would.”

She held open the gate for Dani to pass through. “It’s just a job,” she shrugged.

“Did you ever go to college, or . . .” Dani asked. Jamie stiffened, busying herself with the footpath ahead of them – normally a single bridleway in summer, but when the rain fell it took twice as long to cross, and that was only if they had the fencing to hang on to.

“Never really bothered with that sort of thing.”  
There were a thousand words beneath it all, of course, but she had not wanted to fall down any of those particular rabbit holes for fear of where she might end up, and had managed so far to dodge most of Dani’s questions about her life before the last year or two with her usual artistry.  
And if she was being honest with herself, she might have needed a friend too – or at least someone to cry with when the world closed in on them too tightly – and Jamie did not want to go scaring her off quite so soon. If she was not bad to look at in the meantime, well, Jamie mused, she was only human.

While it was only a couple of miles to go, the earth of the track was dragging their feet down more than they would have liked, and Jamie decided crossing over the cattle fields would be faster as long as the heather had not taken over in its entirety.

At the summit, the stone fort lay collapsed and sphincterial, mourning the sky above it. The walls had long since sunk into the ground like a giant’s teeth, blistered with rings of moss. Jamie clambered to the top of it on all fours. On the highest tooth of the wall, she stretched her arms for Dani to witness her.

“Be careful up there, you’ll fall and break your neck.”

“Never gonna’ die, Poppins!” she shouted back, even if the twenty foot drop swayed beneath her.

Jamie was undeterred, crawling down to its open belly as she had a hundred times before. It was sheltered there – except for the two iron window frames ingrained in the stone. She gestured to the wall opposite her. “Take a seat, pet, got half the path stuck to your shoes.”

“What is this place, some part of a castle?”

“Fuck knows,” Jamie said, a cigarette between her teeth. “Place the kids come to get high, I reckon, but at least it’s not shagger’s lane.”

It elicited a laugh from the woman, anyway.

“So,” Jamie began, “what’s wrong?”

Dani’s expression furrowed. “I’m fine, I just . . . felt like some company.”

“Right. Tell me if I’m asking about something that’s none of my business, but seriously, Dani, what’s the matter? ‘Cus you’ve had this heartbroken look in your eyes since I met ‘ya, and I don’t reckon it’s all just because of my presence.”

She smiled at the sentiment but could not stop her eyes from screwing shut.

“It was only, a really bad break up. Only one I’ve ever actually had,” Dani strained to find the words.

“How bad exactly?”

“Childhood sweethearts bad, we should’ve gotten married young and had a white picket fence bad. But he wasn’t . . . always a good person. Sometimes he would . . .” Dani’s voice broke and she stopped to wipe her face dry on her sleeves. “When I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore, he took it, well, it was the worst night of my life. I thought it would be the best, untangling myself from him like that.”

“. . . Was it just because he was a bad person, or what it something else too?” Jamie took a moment to ask.

Dani nodded her head – more to herself for some courage it seemed – but her gaze was fixed far away, as if she was not entirely there. Pieces of herself, scattered where she had been, she knew, which then she would never get back.  
“There was something else, I thought I could just keep it buried, you know? Never say anything about it, and have the five grandkids and the white picket fence.” Even crying, she broke into a smile at the thought.

“Yeah,” Jamie frowned. “I do.”

“And he threatened to tell my mom, tell everyone really. Home was a place that – would not treat people well for something like that. And everybody knew everybody too well. It wasn’t home, I guess. And I’d been looking at taking a semester abroad, maybe a gap year. Then I heard Cambridge was taking on transfers for the rest of their degrees. Only catch was I had to leave in almost two days. So I just ran. All I’ve ever been good for, I think. Left my mom a note, to say I was sorry. Didn’t leave Eddie anything.”  
She had been rubbing her hands together to bring some warmth back into them.

“Then what happened?” the woman prompted.

“Thought the trip might solve some things, the distance. Thought that my mother might scream at me down the phone, but there was nothing she could do. When she did ring, she didn’t actually say anything. Was worse, somehow,” Dani recalled. “So I started to speak to someone here about it; it was awful at first, I’d cry in their room for hours. But it got a little better, day by day. It was the best thing anyone ever told me, really. Just because bad things happen to you, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

Jamie met her gaze across the light.

“We just don’t always deserve what we get,” Dani shrugged.

“That’s . . . Jesus, Dani. I’m so sorry . . . that you had to go through all that. To get to the other side of it.”

“I’m sorry for talking for so long about it. Think telling somebody makes me feel like I’m not going insane, sometimes.”

Jamie nodded, even if she did not entirely understand. There did not seem anything worse than telling someone her own most private thoughts, that was not the kind of confidence she could ever wear, not the way Dani did so brightly.

“And do you, feel better now?”

Her shoulders dropped in the gloom.

“I think so,” Dani said.

Jamie crossed the ivy-strewn earth to sit next to her, hesitant, but she put an arm around her shoulders nonetheless. “One day at a time, Poppins.”

The time that passed after that they did not count. It was only on the outskirts of town again that they realised the sun was setting. Too late for a cafe then, but she did not know if the girl would be up to going to a pub after such exhaustion.  
Instead, they found themselves hovering around the campus grounds, where Dani had unceremoniously returned to live in the days before.

“This ex of yours,” Jamie asked, toeing the ground. “Want me to sort ‘im out for you? ‘Cus I will.”

Dani offered her a laugh from the bottom of her stomach.

“I don’t think he’ll stand a chance.” She took Jamie’s hand and ran her thumb over the back of it. “I should probably go get ready, Rebecca said something about a study night? Are you coming along?”

Jamie shrugged. “Nothing to study.”

“You could still come too, if you wanted?” Dani asked her. The sound of it softened her smile more than she was willing to admit.

“That’s alright, love. Gonna’ have a quiet night to myself, I reckon.”

“Oh,” Dani said after a moment. She felt guilty almost for the way the young American was looking at her, but did not want her to think Dani had done something wrong or over-shared to her in any way.

“I like my solitude, y’know?” she fought to justify herself. “But, text you later?” Her hand was in her hair, that the wind was desperate to battle away from her. Dani’s eyes flicked over her own.

“Of course. Have a good night of solitude.”

“Thanks, Poppins. Don’t have too much fun without me.”

“How could I?” Dani smirked.

-

“Here she is, all the way from Des Moines, Iowa.”

“Ooh, don’t remind me,” Dani said, closing the kitchen door behind her. How had it gotten so cold so quickly?  
Trish had appeared with their empty glasses as she stepped inside.  
“What did you need me here for so soon?”

“We were gonna’ make a chilli, figured someone should be sober enough to supervise before we got started.”

“Wise of you.” Dani started on the cream soda since they were on the Pinot.

“Are you alright?” Trish asked her with a second glance.

Dani raised her eyebrows. She had thought that she cleaned herself up well enough before, was it that evident that she had been crying? “I’m fine. Good even. Just a long day.”

“What d’you get up to?” Trish had started setting herself up in the kitchen.

“Saw a friend, had a lecture, the usual.” Her hands were hovering over the glasses as if she needed something to do.

“Yeah, anyone I know?”

Dani tugged on her lip, but could not find any reason to lie about it. “Only Jamie.”

“Chauffeur Jamie?” She looked up from the stove top.

“Fit Jamie?” one of the girls shouted from the living room.

“Yeah,” Dani told her, and definitely not the girls in the front, seating herself on the work surface. “We just went out for a walk.”

“So she’s good? Glad to hear it.” Trish was drumming her fingers on the side. It made Dani’s expression tweak – she could not remember ever seeing the woman nervous before. Dani had nerves enough for all of them. “I was meaning to ask you about that – ”

The back door was pushed open by a fur-coat shrouded shoulder. The top of a wine bottle peaked out first from its paper bag.

“Hey,” Rebecca called. “It’s chilli night, right?”

Trish only smiled and helped her out of her coat.

It was not until later – when Dani herself was feeling tipsy and could no longer keep up with the movie plot – that she caught up to her.  
She was standing under the balcony despite the cold, finishing up her drink. The garden lights looked nice in the autumn darkness.

“Mind if I join you?” Dani asked.

“Get over here,” Trish smiled. “Have you had enough to eat?”

“God, definitely,” she put her hand over her stomach where a newborn could have been kicking. “I was actually gonna’ ask what you were saying before – when Rebecca came in and – ”

“Oh, right, I got sidetracked, sorry.” Trish took in a breath. Dani found herself fidgeting with her sleeves out of nowhere. “I was actually about to ask, while we were on the subject, is anything going on with you and Jamie?” Dani stopped for a second to process her words.

“Between me and – oh,” she said. “I mean, she’s a friend, Jamie’s a friend.”

“Yeah?” Trish was picking at the foliage on the outside wall. “‘Cus I don’t want to get between something that – ”

“No! No, she’s great but I’m . . . barely out and still working through some things.” Needless to say, she had not expected the turn in conversation.

“So, would it be alright with you if I asked her out? If you don’t want me to, I completely understand.”

“I’d never stop you from that,” Dani told her, taking her arm. “I mean, go for it. I didn’t even know she liked girls.”

Trish’s expression changed imperceptibly. “Did she say something about not . . .” Her voice was laced with a slight panic, as if she had gone and made a fool out of herself over something that was not even in her reach.

“No, she hadn’t, I just . . . hadn’t thought about it I guess. Thought about her like that, anyway.”

“I mean,” Trish bit her lip, like she did not know whether to say it or not. “You’ve seen the way she looks at Rebecca, right, and if they’ve known each other as long as they have . . . that’s rough. Just, don’t say anything about it, please, God knows I don’t need that falling on me.”

“Okay,” Dani assured her, with a shaking smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

“In that case, wanna’ head back inside? I don’t think I’ve climatised to the good old British cold yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we feeling lads?? 
> 
> So the next chapter will be set a little longer down the line, I’m trying to make this a semi-slow burn I reckon 
> 
> Hope you’re all staying safe rn!! Comments always make my day <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; implications of self harm

\- Autumn -

October came and went with a bluish rainfall.  
Halloween, she learnt, was less of a holiday and more an excuse to drink themed cocktails, play the same playlists as the year before, and throw up unceremoniously under a lamppost at the end of the night. Humanity rarely changed as such.

As for Dani, she was finding her feet – at last – in a strange new place full of unfamiliar people. She attended therapy every fortnight and movie nights with her friends; she even went for a walk with a certain sharp-tongued barista whenever she could.  
She was doing well, she told herself, things were good and they were her own, for the first time in her life. Even if she still looked a little haunted around the eyes.  
And the night of the Halloween party, she had had more than enough chardonnay to feel confident in her advances. Dani stood in the bathroom upstairs to check over her makeup. It was a little smeared since the hours before but nobody was likely to notice. For a moment, she only leant there, watching the glass for an arrival that did not come. Then again, the alcohol might have dulled the sensation. A knock at the door got her moving in the end.

She spoke to Rebecca for a while – who had crashed the night late after a marathon of assignments she was determined to finish in the space of twelve hours.  
Trish was on the dance floor of course, tattooed in the orange light and moving free as she pleased. Perhaps that was what Dani admired most about her, that Trish did not give a shit what anybody thought about her. Not even with the bluster of a twenty-one-year-old, either.  
The opinions of her friends and family she certainly held with esteem, but random fuckboys in a student bar did not meet that criteria.

And Jamie was pressed up against her, her arms around her waist. Dani felt her insides turn.

That was what she wanted, she told herself, not with either of them, of course, only something casual. Dani could do casual.  
She had heard through the grapevine that Jamie had turned down Trish’s coquetry with more than enough modesty – not deeming herself dating material, let alone of the calibre somebody like her deserved – and her heart had sunk almost to think of Jamie speaking so lowly of herself.

But with Trish’s recurring absence and Jamie’s silence on the subject, it was not too far to leap to imagine a negotiation they might have reached. And Trish was not shy about sharing the details of her sex life. It was all she and Rebecca talked about, all while overhearing the things that had happened the night before, the things she let Jamie do to her, made something quiet inside of Dani die.

“You getting any, Dan?” the girl had asked the day before.

“Oh – I don’t – I wouldn’t know what I’d even be doing with a girl.”

“Ever thought about letting Jamie show you the ropes? Girl knows a thing or two.”

Jamie was dropping a kiss to her shoulder in the middle of the bar. Dani put her half-full glass on a table and made her way to the smoker’s garden. A group of girls she recognised were outside but she paid them no mind, sitting on the brick wall instead.

One of them came over after a while: a girl on her literature course, with her wild green eyes and rough-around-the-edges forwardness, who had not failed to see Dani staring at her before.

“You on your own out here?” she asked, taking a seat next to her.

“Oh, no, just getting some air.”

The girl, Olivia, Dani recalled in her haze, blew out a line of smoke. She leant closer on one arm. “And what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”

Dani smiled, at a loss for words. One of the other girls cut her off before she had the chance.

“Hey, lady killer, we’re moving on to the next. See ya’ there?”

Olivia waved them off half-heartedly. “I’m gonna’ go get another drink, you want one?” Her smile was wide.

Dani considered it for a moment, she honestly did, but she did not imagine getting blackout drunk would do anything good for her reputation, especially if this girl had gone out of her way to express any kind of interest.

“Actually, I better go check on my friend, but thank you – for the offer.”

“That’s alright,” the girl said. “Have a good night, Dani.”

A stone dropped somewhere in her throat. Inside, she found Rebecca and Peter on a couple’s table – Trish and Jamie nowhere in sight – and gave in when her friend waved her over with all her tipsy enthusiasm.

Rebecca pushed a shot of tequila into her hand. “Come on, Dani, let loose.”

“Where did the others go?” she asked, wincing at the taste. The TA, she noticed, had his hand around Rebecca’s waist like a vice.

Rebecca was licking salt off his hand. “Out by the alleyway last I saw,” she shrugged. “So probably back at Jamie’s by now.”

“Oh,” Dani said. She crossed her arms over her front. “I think I’m gonna’ go.”

“Already?” Rebecca frowned. Her TA was watching every movement between them.

“Yeah, but, text me when you’re home?” she asked, sending a brief look at Peter. There was no doubt in her mind how their night would end. Not that she judged Rebecca for it in the slightest, as long as she was safe.

By the time she had made it halfway towards the door there was a hand lingering on her wrist. Olivia was there, bright and dazing in front of her, running her fingertips up her arm. Dani pressed closer to her. Her eyes were moving feverishly over the girls features but she did not have the time or presence of mind to take her in.

She leant forward and kissed her, gentler than should have been possible in her state, which the girl reciprocated. A few moments passed before Olivia pulled away.

“See you around, Iowa.” She smiled and kissed her goodnight.

-

In the heart of November, Jamie Taylor would not once have expected to find herself, alone, outside of Dani Clayton’s with tears in her eyes. She had smoked her way through half a pack already.

The woman knew better than most how much circumstance could change. Things had been even, boring almost, for a while, as she liked it.

And then Trish had approached her at a house party and asked her to dance, and Jamie – especially after enough glasses of piss poor whiskey – had never been able to say no to a pretty face.  
And then their hands had run over each other between the cover of the many packed bodies celebrating whatever it had been, which had led to some near-too gratuitous kissing tinged with rosé.

“So do you want to?” she asked the barista. They had found a moment’s quiet out the back, with Jamie’s hand on the wall and the girl beneath her.

“Want what?” Jamie smiled, a little smug, and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. She felt her lungs expand from the contact. But her answer still took her by surprise.

“To go out, properly, on a date?”

Jamie frowned. “A date?”

“Yeah,” Trish smiled, playing with the buttons on her shirt.

“I don’t really do that sort of thing. It’s nothing personal, love, I’m just . . .”

“Not looking for that?”

“Kind of a mess,” Jamie pulled back.

“Don’t worry about it,” she assured her.

“You sure?”

“Of course. Did you . . . want to head upstairs anyway? No strings attached.”

Jamie huffed. “Now that,” she said, moving her hands up her sides, “that I can do.”

Trish smiled beneath her.

And it had been fun, Jamie told herself, as it was the week after, and the week after that, and when she started staying for the mornings too, or seeing her just to sit and read, or complain about work for an hour. While they might not have been dating, each of them knew that it was exclusive.

A month passed before she realised she was looking forward to just seeing her – not to do anything but brew tea and water the plants in the kitchen because no one else did.

Jamie threw her toothbrush down in her cup. She liked her well enough, and she seemed a decent friend, but she was drawing a line before it became too domestic. They were already leaving half their clothes at one another’s places.  
The only grace she allowed herself – intimately – was a lack of words. She never did explain about the burn on her shoulder and the woman never asked her. There came no confessions of childhood nightmares or family crises. Neither of them would ever allow it. As much as she could she prayed they would always remain strangers in that sense.

Her phone lit up on her bed. “Shit.” She was meant to leave twenty minutes ago.

Dani (10.32): Still with us?

Jamie (10.34): Sorry Poppins running late, meet you there asap

Dani (10.35): I can meet you somewhere else, yours is on the way right?

Jami looked out the window before sending her the address. She hesitated a moment, and then added a kiss to the end.

Dani (10.40): See you soon!

In the times that Dani had tried to imagine what Jamie’s place might look like, she had not once thought it might be above a pub. A few patrons were outside, gathering before they got their Sunday lunch, who did not look twice as she took the steps past them. Had they seen a lot of students outside of Jamie’s before?

Past the first door there was – adorably – a bowl of cat milk left out for the pub owner’s latest rescue, even if Jamie would later insist she could not stand the thing. ‘As long as it keeps the mice out the cellar, Poppins,’ she told her, ‘that’s all they’re good for.’

What she had not hoped for her in most indulgent, less-than infrequent daydreams was Jamie in the middle of getting dressed when the door swung open.

“Dani,” she said, after a moment. “Sorry, thought you might have been the – ” she looked down at the cat bowl still full from the morning.  
Dani tried to hide the rush of colour over her cheeks. The other woman had paused, her flannel shirt hanging open. “Sorry, come in.” She stepped aside, as if Dani had not been caught staring at her bare legs, and past the scars there still far from healed, and higher, up to her – “I’ll only be a second.” 

Jamie had walked away. The exchange student turned to take in the room instead.  
There was a Mountain Goats poster framed on the wall and the Beach Boys played softly from a record player. Other than that, there only seemed to be two things she bothered to collect: books and plants.  
A few ferns were growing in the warmest corners she could find and wildflowers were hanging on to life until springtime came around. A single bed was drawn up close to the window, in a smothered corner of triangular loft, and what there was of a kitchen hid behind the Tudor beams. Jamie came out from the partition while Dani leafed through her bookshelves. Moby Dick, she had noticed, was finished and returned and Great Expectations had taken its place on a neatly-made bed.

“Did you fancy a drink?” Jamie asked, her hands in her back pockets.

“That’d be great, it’s freezing out there.”

She moved to put the kettle on the stove. A lot of things seemed a little out of time to Dani, she had noted, like the space was hanging onto another era with desperation against the demands of the twenty-first century.

“Listen, about earlier . . .” Jamie began. She passed Dani the cup of tea.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stare – ”

“No, I’m sorry. Just, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone. Like to keep things to myself, you know?” Had Trish seen too, she must have, she wanted to say, but she bit down on her tongue instead.

“Yeah, of course.” Dani drummed against the counter top. “Did you still wanna’ walk by the canal today?”

“Yeah, if you’re up for it. Leads down to the woods if it’s dry enough.”

Jamie’s shoulders had dropped with noticeable relief. While a hundred questions were there to be asked, Dani knew better than to spoil a nice morning.

The canal, it turned out, was quieter than expected. A few joggers and dog walkers passed by, but other than that they were the only ones out at such a time. For once, it was Jamie to break the silence.

“You heard from your ex-boyfriend at all?”

Dani looked across at her. “A few times. He keeps getting burner phones when I block his number, but it’s getting less often now.”

“That’s good. ‘Cus, y’know, my offer still stands.”

She smiled to herself. “Hopefully he’ll just move on like I have.”

“Have you?” Jamie asked after a while. Dani’s eyes had betrayed her once again.

“Well, yeah, I mean – I have a date on Monday.”

Jamie could not control the way her body reacted to that news.

Dani had stopped at the flooded pier. “Something wrong?”

“No, ‘course not. I just didn’t realise you were dating,” Jamie told her.

“That not allowed?” she had tried to keep her voice light even if there was a sting to it. “You’re not the only one seeing girls from school anymore.”

Another gust of wind blew her scarf around her. Jamie stood there half in shadow; girls, Dani had said, girls, girls. Her skin twitched unpleasantly.

“Well, we’re not actually . . .” Jamie trailed off. The last thing she needed was Dani to think she was dating Trish. Why should she care so much about that?

“I know,” Dani assured her. “How is she anyway?”

There was something strung along her voice that she could not understand.

“Good, I think. Haven’t actually seen her for a few days.”

“Well, I’m glad you still made time for this. Kinda’ thought you’d be too tied up most of the time.”

Jamie flashed her a self-assured grin. “Told you about that, did she?” Dani’s cheeks were razed a colour she had never seen before. “Only pulling ya’ leg, Poppins.”

“Oh.”

“Unless she did actually tell you, of course.”

The woman made a sound Jamie could only assume was a verbal keysmash. “Was wonderin’ if I could ask you for some advice actually, while we’re on the topic of it.” She had gone to sit on an iron bench but Dani, still frowning, did not join her.

“Uh, sure, what’s up?” Trying to play it cool, she thought, not the time to press the matter though.

“I’m sort of considering breaking things off with her to be honest. And since it’s casual, I don’t really wanna’ make her think she’s done something wrong or I’m just bein’ an arsehole to her.”

“Oh,” Dani said again, falling in place beside her. “Can I ask why?”

Jamie was fidgeting with her own hands. Shit, she should have brought gloves.

“Rather not get into the details of it, really.”

“Well, maybe just tell her you need some space. Or you’d rather just stay friends and don’t want to make things weird.”

Jamie nodded. “Right.”

They sat watching the leaves for some time before Dani checked her watch. “I should probably go, but . . . good luck, talking to Trish.”

“Cheers, Poppins.”

Dani stopped herself from hurrying away. “You know, I’m always here, if you do want to talk. About anything. Like you’ve been for me.”

For a moment, Jamie burned under her eyes – some sort of shame previously untouched that had risen to the surface – until she smiled sadly at her, in a way she had not seen before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Congratulations America on the second impeachment 
> 
> Thank you for all the comments I’ve received I tend to write a lot faster afterwards, I’m aware my chapters tend to be two to three k but it makes it a lot easier with adhd!! But it’ll get to the scene with Jamie crying outside of Dani’s I promise 
> 
> If you liked this maybe you would consider checking out my other bly writing? I have a historic au and a hurt/comfort short where I project even further 
> 
> Stay safe <3


	6. Chapter 6

The following four days passed in a blur. She felt herself move between university and work and study, but she did not occupy any space around them. Thankfully, she was naturally gifted in the ways of language and could breeze through English Literature well enough, even if Mrs. Lloyd had pulled her aside once or twice out of the many hundreds of students she taught to ask if she was alright with the workload.  
The children were settling in well under her and Rebecca’s watchful eye, and she would take them out for walks to see the autumn trees and help them with their schoolwork over poorly made cups of tea. She had been uncertain at first as to how she was qualified for the position – their home was worth more money than she would ever make in a lifetime, and her only experience helping to tutor some kids was back in Iowa – but the two of them were nice enough children, if a little oblivious of their coming fortunes, and gravitated as naturally to her as to her fellow tutor.

Beyond those two spheres of life, she lingered in between, not quite sure what was looking back at her. Danielle Clayton she had left in her hometown, Danielle Clayton was a straight-A student and would marry her childhood sweetheart and had two kids, a dog, and an infinite capacity for the maternal instinct her mother had so neglected because that was what people did in the middle of Corn Field, Iowa. Danielle Clayton had stepped on a plane and never gotten off on the other side.  
Now it was Dani in the dormitory bathroom mirror, Dani wandering alone in the Cambridge University library, Dani making pancakes with her friends who did not in fact ask her questions about her coming wedding date, and what her children’s names would be, and how it was completely acceptable to quit work and become a perfectly oiled housewife at the ripe age of twenty two.

She brushed her teeth until her gums bled. Then, her hands made into fists, she stared back in the mirror for three breathes – however long they may be – and she was not looking for herself.  
Strange, she thought, she had not seen him the day before either. Then again, he had not called her since the week before. Maybe he was finally moving on, maybe he had found her and was on a connecting flight already. Dani shivered.

She had not spoken beyond the counsellor’s office about the darkest secrets of her relationship, although the more sessions she had the less she doubted that returning to such a man was anything but self-sabotage.  
Besides, there were people around her now too, people to ensure that the cold did no creep in entirely. If she disclosed the slightest details of her prior relationship to Trish, she knew that she would not let her go back even kicking and screaming. And Jamie, Jamie she had not heard from in four days.

She checked her phone again, but it was only a message from Rebecca, concerned about something Miles had mentioned, and she threw her phone back on her bed. After a moment she felt a pang of guilt and made a quick reply, she still owed that much responsibility after all.

Dani had found her free mornings much more empty when living alone, and decided a trip to the library might distract her, even if there was not a particular barista asleep on the keyboard to be seen. What had Jamie been up to in those last few days, had she at least seen Trish? Dani may have wanted to ask but it was not her place. Instead, she spent a while unsuccessfully going over her notes and went for a walk past the canal for some fresh air.

The fog had lifted the night before and flooded the waterway with hollow, golden light. She spotted a few students sat beneath the willows, but nobody of note, nobody even from her course, when a text from Trish reminded her that she had promised to see her that night.  
Her stomach had sunk a little at the thought. If Jamie had broken things off with her, what state was she going to be in? She was still a friend though, and Dani could not do anything but confirm that she would be there by nine.

Trish (10.32): Bring plenty of booze x

Maybe Jamie had bitten the bullet. She had certainly seemed nervous about her decision, but she had not been right all that morning. Aloof, always, melancholic, if her history might have been what it seemed, but never empty as she been out there by the water. Something unpleasant unfurled in Dani’s chest.  
That was not her fault, she reminded herself, she was not a bad person and all the bad things that happened in the world were not her fault because nobody in the world was as important as that. And what a relief that was. What a relief to be in Cambridge and almost completely anonymous, and free to feel whatever it was she needed to feel in order purely to get through it.  
And what did she feel now? Her counsellor had told her to start identifying such things. It had seemed juvenile to her – at first – like something she might tell an angry child, but after a while she found that she was beginning to manage her thoughts in away that she never had before. At that moment, she was lonely, not for any particular company but perhaps some kind of reassurance.  
The wind was pulling her hands from her sleeves like an incessant animal. Jamie, she knew, she was worried that she had crossed a line with Jamie. But had the barista not felt safe enough to confide in her about Trish? And yet the way her body had frozen in the doorway as if she were about to be hit by an oncoming train, Dani did not think that she had seen anyone look like that besides –

“Dani?” a voice said.

She turned haphazardly. The woman offered her a warm smile, wrapping her coat around herself.

“Mrs. Grose?” she frowned.

“Hannah, please, as I’ve said.” She joined her beside the canal. “Are you alright dear, it’s freezing out here?”

“Yes, I’m fine, I just – aren’t you working at the library today?”

“Not today, no, just residency duties. I was wondering if I could speak to you a moment, perhaps somewhere a bit warmer, if you’ve got the time?” Mrs. Grose gestured to the footpath ahead.

“Of course,” Dani said, blinking away the sun. They took the way back towards the halls, where the last of the fishing piers sank into the water and the riverboats were huddled in orderly fashion at the marina’s edge. “It’s really beautiful here.”

“That it is, no matter where I go I always seem to find myself wanted to come back here.” As they passed the cathedral and the market on the town’s edge, Mrs. Grose told her of some of the history of the place, which she was sure she otherwise would never have heard, and recommended a few places to visit if she got the change – including Jamie’s place of work, she noted.  
But the cold was cutting to the bone and she was immensely grateful when they had reached the office, at the intersection of the university’s newest build and a dormitory so old it was miracle it was still standing. Mrs. Grose checked her radiator before anything else.  
“Please, take a seat.”

Dani obliged, her legs still shaking from the cold. There were plants lining the windowsill and a bookshelf, a degree propped nearby and a number of books she did not recognise the name of.

“Did you study here?” Dani asked.

“I did, yes,” she said. “And abroad for a while. I always try to take time for our transfers, as I know what the transition can be like. I was just wondering how you were finding it. It is a long commitment.”

“Oh . . . it’s great, I love it here.” The woman did not seem entirely convinced and Dani scrounged to find her words. “I mean, this is probably the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen, but I’d never exactly left the state before. I really am glad I came,” she stressed, hoping that Mrs. Grose did not doubt that. While she worked in the university library, the woman had explained when the transfers first arrived that she was also the dean for their particular halls of residence, should they wish to stay there. She had only seemed to bring the latter point up as Trish had made it abundantly clear it was no longer the first year of her degree and she would much rather stay closer to town.

“I’m glad to hear it. And your course is going well? I noticed you speaking to Miss. Willoughby in the library, she certainly has a lot of time for literature, doesn’t she?”

“Yes,” Dani managed a meek smile.

“And I saw you had been to see a doctor and a counsellor, I don’t mean to pry – I couldn’t look at any of their records anyway – but I wanted to make sure you knew that if there is anything I or any other faculty member can do, we are always more than willing to help.”

“That’s very kind of you . . .” Dani said. It did not ease the concern etched into Mrs. Grose’s features. “I promise, I’m fine. The situation I left at home wasn’t great, but I’m much happier here. I’m much better here.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” the woman crossed her arms over her desk. “And you know enough people here to have settled in alright?” While Dani thought it was sweet of her to show such worry, she did not know if she had all the answers to assure her.

“Of course, I have some people I transferred over with, and on my course, and a few from elsewhere, actually, one of them isn’t even a student here.”

“Well, that’s a good thing, that you’ve made a home for yourself. The first few months can be tough, but my door is always open. Do you have any questions at all . . .”

Dani kept her mouth closed and shook her head.

“Not to worry, then,” she got to her feet and Dani reached for the door.

“Actually, there is one thing,” Dani said. Mrs. Grose paused, her eyebrows raised. “What did you study while you were here?”

“Oh,” Mrs. Grose huffed. “I’m afraid now it’s a dead language, so just the same few texts.”

Dani looked over to the books on her shelf. “That’s kind of cool, y’know?”

-

It ended up only being the two of them that night drinking cream tequila and watching some terrible reality television neither of them could follow.

“You alright, Iowa?” Dani had been coming through the door with some snacks to soak up the booze. The usual hareem of girls occupying the front room were out for the night, leaving the house far quieter than she was used to.

“Yeah, I’m good, you know,” she settled down next to her. “And you?”

“You know me, Dani, as long as the company’s good . . .”

“That the problem?”

Trish let out a laugh. “You’re better company than most, you know, there’s a reason you’re the only one I invited around tonight.”

“Really? What about Rebecca?” Dani asked.

“Had plans already.”

She took another drink to summon some courage. “What about Jamie?”

“Jamie?” Trish quirked an eyebrow. “I don’t know, she’s always welcome around, I just imagine she’d want some space from me right now.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She turned the solo cup in her hands. “You guys okay?”

“It’s alright Dani, we were never serious,” Trish assured her. “She broke things off a couple of days ago.”

“I’m sorry . . . you should’ve said, I would have come over here.” She tried thinking back to the previous week but she could not remember a time that Trish had seemed particularly upset.

“Why? It was fine and it was kind of mutual, to be honest.”

Dani frowned, making the woman roll her eyes.

“There’s someone else I kind of like on my course right now, like for real, and when Jamie started saying all these things, I just cut her off and told her it was all good, I mean it was great while it lasted, don’t get me wrong, but it had kind of run its course.”

“Well . . . I’m glad, that you ended on good terms and everything.”

Trish gave her a knowing smile. “You seem glad.”

“What do you mean?” Dani frowned.

“Don’t worry about it, Iowa. What about you, got your eye on anyone?”

“Well,” Dani said. “I have a date soon. With a girl.”

Before she knew what was happening, Trish punched her on the shoulder. “Fuck yes, Clayton, your first date with a real, live woman.”

“Ouch,” Dani held her arm in faux pain. “It’s nothing serious.”

“It is worth celebrating.” Trish poured her another drink. “Who is she?”

“A girl on my course, I think I like her.”

“You think you like her? Has she got a name?”

Dani erupted into laughter on the verge of tipsy. “I’m not telling you that, you’ll only hunt her down. Nothing might even come of it.”

“That’s the attitude.”

“No, I just mean . . . it’s not what I thought my first date would look like, I don’t know.” Under Trish’s gaze, she began to pick at her shoelaces to give her something else to look at. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Trish told her. “I’m happy you’re getting out there, putting things behind you. To be honest, your ex sounded like a piece of work.”

“Yeah . . .” Dani trailed off.

“Out of curiosity, what did you think it would be like, your first date with a girl?”

“I don’t know,” she had pulled a string loose and was unravelling it inch by inch. Her chest was stammering. A sunlit day, she recalled, the wind passing the fence lines, where their hands drifted to keep them upright. She could remember the smell of grass and her laughter as she climbed the rocks.  
Trish mumbled something and curled deeper into her seat. Ten minutes later, she was asleep under a blanket Dani had found, still miraculously holding a solo cup. It was quite a talent, really, how she could wake in the morning and immediately take another sip.  
Despite her better judgement, she put a pair of sunglasses over Trish in case her flash decided to go off and snapped a shot of the spectacle. She sent it to Rebecca, of course, and another girl from the house she had got along with, but she hesitated over Jamie’s name. The tequila made the decision for her in the end.

Dani (10.04): See what you’re missing out on?

She staunchly flipped her phone over to enjoy whatever was playing in her gentle haze, but when it lit up she found that it was in her hand already.

Jamie (10.10): Does make me question some of my decisions.

Dani stared down at the screen. A lifetime passed between her hands, as she tried to string some thought together, but the weight of the words burned her.

Dani (10.20): You spoke to her then?

She checked the time stamps, hoped Jamie had not thought that she had kept her waiting because she herself was on tenterhooks.

Jamie (10.22): That I did. Thanks for listening the other day, Poppins.

She racked her brains trying to remember the advice she had even given her.

Dani (10.26): Well, good thing you didn’t have to worry anyway

Jamie is typing . . . (10.27) 

Dani (10.30): How’s your night going?

The photo sent a few minutes later showed her what she could only imagine was the inside of a coffee machine, three feet long and two deep, spilling burned coffee grounds all over the surface.

Dani (10.35): That good?

Jamie (10.37): Brilliant.

Dani (10.39): Hope they’re paying you overtime

Jamie (10.40): More of a favour for a friend tbh

Jamie (10.41): How about you?

Not quite a ‘How are you,’ but an olive branch, of sorts, she told herself.

Dani (10.44): Half a bottle of tequila down, shitty TV, Trish pining after some girl, drowning her sorrows I think.

She did not realise how it may have come across until she read the message again, already sent, but Jamie had granted her the mercy of a quick reply.

Jamie (10.46): Hope that’s not me

Dani laid her phone on her chest. Her blood was buzzing and with everything she had been through the last week or so, she knew that she was not in the right frame of mind to say what she wanted to say. Dani hit send.

Dani (10.54): Can’t imagine there’s a way a girl couldn’t be pining over you 

Jamie was knelt on the kitchen floor, up to her arms in damp coffee grounds.

“You alright?” Owen called from over the bar, that look in his eyes. The young woman wiped her hand on the tea towel and turned away from her phone.

“Yeah, I’m good. Brilliant, even.” She glanced up at him. Jamie knew that he was about to ask again – he had that way about him – but that night she could chalk it up to the late shift and a lack of sleep.

“Alright then, love,” he said. Jamie managed to patch the machine back together in about ten minutes, in part because it had not been deep cleaned properly in, ‘Fuck knows how long,’ and had been a greater battle to take apart. And then again, she was in a daze; that text that had first come through – surely it had not been real. Surely a wrong number or a trick of the eyes or somebody had slipped something into her Earl Grey.

“All set,” she called to Owen “If that’s everything, then I’m off.”

“As promised,” he waved her away with a dishtowel. “Thank you, Jamie, I do appreciate it.”

She saluted him begrudgingly, but her smile was genuine. “Anytime, you know that. Swept up the mess of it, might wanna’ take the coffee bin out before tomorrow.” Jamie washed her arms until the water was finally clear. Coffee might have been a very lucrative addiction to feed so close to campus, she reckoned, but fuck, it made a mess of the sinks.  
Outside, she made herself have a smoke before she did anything stupid. It seemed that life had a way of never being simple. And the goddamn text message was still the same, word for word.

“Fuck, Dani,” Jamie held her head in her hands.

There was no point in dealing with it there, out for everyone to see on the back of King Street. And so she walked, walked like she had no intent of ever stopping – even past the waterway and the pub and the place where she slept at night until she did not know where she was any longer. When she next thought to check the time, it was one o’clock.  
Jamie was not quite sure where she had ended up, but seeing as she had walked in a straight line since leaving, there was only one real option to get her back. Jamie threw her jacket on her shoulder and cursed herself.

When she did return home, worked to the bone, her body strung with the heat of its own breathing, she collapsed onto bed. Four minutes had passed until she realised there was coffee grounds in her hair and therefore her bed, but she was too tired to care. A Hail Mary then, she decided.

Rebecca answered after the second ring. “Jamie? Are you there?”

“Wotcher, Becs. Sorry if I woke ya’.”

“Not at all, I just got back.”

Jamie turned her head to properly address her phone, from which Rebecca was pulling off her shoes. “Back from where?” The young barrister was certainly dressed to the nines.

“Out, with Peter, he took me to meet some people he had met while studying under his old boss. People who actually give a damn about a future career prospect in law, even.”

Jamie turned back to groan into her pillow.

“Before you say anything, he was the perfect gentlemen, even walked me to my door.”

“I bet he did,” Jamie murmured into cotton.

“I don’t speak pillow, Jamie. What’s got you up at this hour?”

She rolled onto her back, “Gutting half the shit at work, finished a few hours ago.”

“Can’t sleep?” Rebecca had finally sat back against her own headboard, still in a champagne dress and hugging her knees.

“Got a message I wasn’t expecting. If I swear you to secrecy . . .”

“Of course, James, you know me.”

She took a screenshot of the message and sent it her way. Rebecca raised an eyebrow.

“Blimey,” she said. Jamie sat up beside her phone at last. “And you left the poor girl on read?” If she was there, Jamie would have thrown a pillow at her.

“What else was I supposed to do? She’d been drinking all night with Trish, she probably didn’t even know what she was saying, given the nothingness you dug up on social media, there’s no way of knowing where she’s come from, what she’s had to go through, if I get caught with her now I’ll only – ”

“Jamie, breathe.” Right, she told herself, breathe. But her hands were hooked around her legs and she could count every inch of her veins spread in her body. “You only what, Jamie?”

Her heart beat something rabid in her chest.

“I’ll only ruin it, I’ll only fuck her up.”

Rebecca stopped on the other end to consider her words a moment.

“You aren’t capable of fucking anyone up Jamie, I know you, I’ve known you since you were eleven years old, I think I know a lot more about you than you realise. But you aren’t capable of hurting someone like that, not on purpose, not in the way some people do. You haven’t got it in you. And if you really like her, Jamie, I think you should consider pursuing it, even if it only leads to friendship. You deserve good things, Jamie, you are not just your history.”

Jamie’s hand hovered a moment, then she ended the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!! Unfortunately it has taken me a while to update because life has got in the way but I have some time now and hopefully will update some other stuff soon 
> 
> I know nothing about America so I’m sorry if I got anything wrong!! The next chapter should be Dani’s date tho 👀👀
> 
> In the meantime come yell at me on tumblr @phoebe-fucking-brigders or leave a comment, it always makes my day!! Stay safe <3


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